The name "Secrets Of The Heart" came from nowhere. But after thinking a lot, I realized that this name came to me because this is how life goes, full of secrets. And we spend a big part of our time trying to figure them out. So why not talk about it? Why not talk about our fears? That's what "Secrets Of The Heart" mean to me. Express yourself and talk about it.
I know when it's time to stop. I know when what I say doesn't matter anymore. I'll be quite so I won't hurt anybody. Seeing people cry makes my heart bleed. But everything I say just seems to make the things worse and worse. When I say something my words seem to hurt you even more. I tried to make it easier for you. I tried to say what you wanted to hear and it was working, but it came to a point where I cannot say what you want anymore. And now I realized I should have done it from the start. I should have told you what was on my mind but I was afraid of hurting you. But now here I am, hurting without intend. So, from now and on, the silence will be my best friend.
I don't wanna get hurt, I don't wanna have to put my heart back together one more time. But this feeling keeps coming around and it makes me want you, desire you. It messes up with my mind, but now I'm fighting against it, I'm learning how to control it. And I know that if I try really hard this feeling is gonna go away. But there's something that stops me all the time. And that's you. Everytime I'm almost over you, you come around, with that sad look in your eyes, asking me to not forget. And it knocks down all my walls, and the feeling comes again, each time stronger. You know what you're doing and you know where you can get with it. Or could. Because now I'm fighting against it and I'm gonna be the winner this time. The same tricks that once fooled me, well they won't get you anywhere. And this time I'm not gonna be shaked, I'm not gonna let this feeling out. You'll go back to the place you came from because I'm better off without you and I'm fighting against it.
I can't sleep. And I wonder why. But I know the answer, it's you. Since you came in to my life and made me feel safe again, showed me that life can be pretty even after a big disappointment with you came long nights without sleep. Nights that I spend thinking if I make you feel the same way, wondering what is going on in your mind everytime you look at me. And with these questions without answers my sleep goes away and I start writing things, making songs untill my ideas disappear and I finally get to bed. But then, you follow me into my dreams, you keep showing me that I won't forget you so easy and you will make everything you can to make sure I won't stop thinking of you. And in these nights without end I feel terrible and at the same time amazing and safe. And that's what scares me. These doubts about you. This questions I'm afraid to ask.
Everything is gone, there's nothing else but blurry memories and pictures of us. But I can remember everything perfectly. I can remember your smell, your touch, your laugh, how you acted weirdly when you were nervous. But for some reason I can't remember your face. And I blame myself for it. How could I forget about your face? But this is not what keeps in my mind, blurring my eyes, making me cry. What makes me feel so terrible is the fact that I know what we had was enough but for stupid little fights we lost it. And that's what I'll never forget.
I lose all my focus. All the words I knew and that I was decided to say to you disappeared without leaving a trace. You get closer and closer, my heart beats faster, I hold my breath. I try to make myself think, find something to stop you from doing what I know you will do. But every step you take, your smell gets to me, your touch brings my walls down, and everything disappear. When I realize the only thing that's in my mind it's you. I know and I won't deny, you know how to get to me, how to mess up with my mind and it doesn't matter how much I hate it, I just can't fight it. I blame myself for letting you know me this much. But in the end I just let it go and suddenly I'm in your arms wishing to be there for the eternity.
Here I am, sitting in front of my computer at age 15 writing about something I don't know if someone will actually read. And I don't care. I mean, my feelings aren't important to any one but me. 15 years ago, I was born. 10 years ago, I was playing with my dolls in my Barbie's house, having no idea how growing up would be so hard. 3 years ago I was getting ready for my first kiss, the so special one. But you know what? It wasn't so special at the end. I just wish I could keep playing. Nowadays, I cry about love, I ger hurt because of someone else. And sometimes I wish I could go back to the time where an amount of sand falling apart was the big problem. Where walking around the house wearing my mom's clothes was fun. Where everybody got along and the most difficult fight was about the doll I wanted to play with, or the toy that the other kid took away from me. I wish I could go back and stay there on the couch watching Scooby-Doo and eating candies. I just wish growing up wasn't so hard.
It's insane.. I always try to do a blog but I always end up forgeting about it. So I decided that it's the last time I'm gonna try to make one... And this time I'm gonna make it right. I'm not gonna do about some stuff I like but about me, a normal teenager girl. I'm gonna talk about love pain, how life goes and all this drama that teens in my age pass... I hope you like it, because I'm really trying my best... Kisses, Love You All. P.
